In-Denial FATALite (3.5e Prestige Class)

In-denial FATALite
"Because it's historically-accurate and realistic, it must be included in anything I write. What's historically-accurate and realistic? Whatever the hell I want. It's concept art - you can't possibly remove that and still keep its value! Oh, wait, time for a urination roll!"

Sometimes, people really need to include things in their work that others simply see no purpose in. While occasionally, this leads to creative genius, at others, it simply leads to rape, defecation and twenty-foot gonads. For those who deal with such things, these are not the crudities that others look down on, but are beautiful conceptual art that cannot be diminished by the removal of things that others may find juvenile or offensive. For in this juvenility and offensiveness, the in-denial FATALite finds his home.

Becoming an in-denial FATALite
In-denial FATALites can come from a range of backgrounds, but nearly all of them are uneducated, and perhaps even illiterate. Unsurprisingly, half-orcs and orcs often take this 'prestige' class.

Class Features
All of the following are class features of the in-denial FATALite.

Weapon and Armour Proficiency: In-denial FATALites are proficient with clubs, as long as they are shaped like reproductive appendages.

' :' As an at-will spell-like ability, an in-denial FATALite can use confusion''. However, instead of the normal chart, use the FATAL Spell Mishap chart to determine what action affected creatures take. The DC is equal to 10 + 1/2 the in-denial FATALite's character level - the in-denial FATALite's Intelligence, Wisdom or Charisma penalty (whichever gives the better result).

 : In-denial FATALites aren't known for their intelligence, but they make up for it - you have to adjust, after all, as this was historically-and-mythically accurate! If they have a penalty to Intelligence, Wisdom or Charisma, they treat it as a bonus to their Strength bonus (as they have retard strength), Constitution bonus (because Aristotle said so) and Dexterity bonus (because Kinetic Charisma is totally independent of Dexterity and Facial Charisma!). And if anyone is unhappy about it, tell them 'the philosopher said it, so it must be right, unless he is wrong, in which case it's wrong'. And show them some horse guro.

Additionally, for the purpose of skill points, treat the in-denial FATALite's Intelligence penalty as a bonus of an equal size. This also gives them retroactive skill points. You figure out how the hell that works.

 : Nothing much bothers an in-denial FATALite - after all, it's all concept art, and it's all historically-accurate! They become immune to fear, and may re-roll any save against any effect and take the better result, provided that the final result from choosing that die roll is either a perfect square, a prime number or a multiple of pi (rounded mathematically).

Additionally, an in-denial FATALite receives a +20 competence bonus on Craft (disturbing works of art), Craft (disturbing works of game design), and Profession (prostitute) checks, and can do all the above in one-thirteenth the normal required time. Because gaming with a calculator is totally difficult and realistic!

Lastly, an in-denial FATALite cannot violate the alignment or code of conduct requirements of any class other than this one. It makes sense - to them, at least - how one can be a paladin/in-denial FATALite, for example. Since historical and mythological paladins were all about rape, defecation and ten-foot appendages!

 : From 2nd level, in-denial FATALites become very skilled at 'taking their pleasure' (as they call it) or rape (as everyone who isn't an in-denial FATALite calls it). They ignore size modifiers that would benefit their opponents when performing grapple checks for the purpose of rape. If their opponent is a woman, she receives an additional -4 on her check (because historically-speaking, women were weaker than men, so any rules the in-denial FATALite plays by are the same, right?).

Additionally, at each additional level after 2nd, the in-denial FATALite acquires an additional paraphillia. This can be determined at random from the DSM IV. Or the DSM V, when they publish it.

They gain access to a single domain that's deemed appropriate by the MM (I mean, GM. GM!), and can use each of its spells as spell-like abilities a number of times per day equal to their Charisma penalty. They can only use a spell-like ability in this manner if its level is half of their character level or lower. Their caster level is considered to be their character level, and any DCs for these spell-like abilities are considered to be the same as the DC for their Creative Insanity ability.

In order to continue to gain their spell-like abilities, in-denial FATALites must slander or deface at least one deity per day, or one of their followers, or even more than one - generalities are historically-accurate! Note that they can even do this to their own deities - although that might be hard.

 : A 3rd level in-denial FATALite can roll any Will save twice and take the better result. Because obviously, their opponents can't be right, and must have a mental disorder. This worked well for the Soviet Union, so it must be historically-accurate, too.

This gives them a roll on the Random Anakim Traits table, as well as a -4 penalty to all mental ability scores and a propensity for grotesque sexual acts. Whenever they are within 1d100 feet of a woman (rolled whenever the hell you feel like it), they must make a DC 30 Will save or attempt to 'take their pleasure' with her.

 : Due to their incredible historical accuracy, as well as the conceptual art value of their class and their work, 3rd level in-denial FATALites must roll a 'urination check' every time they wish to urinate. Additionally, urinating now requires a standard action. The base check modifier is the in-denial FATALite's level, with a bonus equal to their Constitution modifier. The DC is a base of 20, minus 2 for each gallon drunk the past 24 hours. If the check is failed, they cannot urinate, and must drink another gallon before trying again. If they get a result of 30 or more on this check, their urination is considered to have the effect of the geyser mode of the decanter of endless water.

  In their rush to adopt pseudoscience and pseudophilosophy, 4th level in-denial FATALites become followers of Goa Tse. This gives them the ability to dilate their anal circumference to nine inches at will as a free action, useable outside of their turn. Additionally, they can moon an opponent while doing so (requiring a standard action). This has an effect identical to fear, with a DC identical to the DC for their Creative Insanity ability, and a caster level equal to their character level. This ability can be used at-will.

Additionally, following Goa Tse gives them an enhancement bonus on all attack and damage rolls equal to their character level divided by 3, rounding down. Historical accuracy!

 : From 4th level, an in-denial FATALite can attempt to urinate as an immediate action.

 : A 5th level in-denial FATALite is a superior lifeform, according to themselves. They gain the outsider type, and don't age anymore.

 : The 5th level in-denial FATALite is a master of conceptual art and taking their pleasure, finally becoming able to combine both. They can now attempt to rape a creature as a swift action. That creature enjoys it 40% of the time, hates it 20% of the time, and the remaining 40% of the time decides to become an in-denial FATALite follower of the 5th level in-denial FATALite.

Additionally, the in-denial FATALite receives an infinite supply of FATAL grenades that they stow in their dilated recta (totally realistic!), and can retrieve as a free action (for historical accuracy!).

 : Everything anyone says to the 5th level in-denial FATALite about their work, or their person, is scandalous libel. If anyone attempts to criticize them, they can make a ranged touch attack against the criticizer as an immediate action. If it hits, the criticizer treats the 5th level in-denial FATALite as invisible and silenced, and will likely go away. If they don't, however, the 5th level in-denial FATALite remains invisible and silenced as long as they continue talking - which sets them up for a surprise pleasure taking.

Ex-in-denial FATALites
If an in-denial FATALite fails to maintain their alignment, creates a work worthy of serious praise, or decides to finally grow up and see the weirdness of what they deal with, they lose all abilities gained from this class. Their patron deity (see Power From Deities ability) decides to Not Appear. They cannot advance in this class unless they fulfil its prerequisites again. Because atoning isn't mythologically-accurate.